When we build a life with someone, our sense of self often intertwines with theirs over time. Our routines, decisions, and even our dreams become shared. So when that relationship ends, whether through divorce or bereavement, it’s not just the person we lose. We can lose ourselves, too.
Suddenly, the roles that once defined us: spouse, partner, caregiver, companion, no longer apply. The silence can feel deafening, and the question “Who am I now?” becomes impossible to ignore.
Picking up the pieces after such a life change can be incredibly daunting.
It’s natural to feel adrift at those times. Relationship losses whether through divorce, bereavement or through a partner suffering from an illness like dementia change everything that we have become familiar and comfortable with in our life. We have the grief of losing the person to deal with compounded by the loss of self as our role changes.
Any traumatic loss such as this can create the same emotions as a bereavement, we grieve for the loss of our own personhood that we are experiencing and that is hard enough without having the grief of losing the person you love as well. This kind of loss is a double whammy and it's important to be able to acknowledge that so that we can process the emotions that arise.
This in-between space, however painful, is also fertile ground for renewal. It’s where rebuilding can begin, not as part of a “we,” but as an individual 'you'. That can be a scary thought even when we aren't in the midst of a bereavement, most of us struggle with big changes on some level and these changes are some of the biggest we will ever have to live through.
Start small. Allow yourself to grieve for the loved one you have lost even as you begin to think about reconnecting with things you once loved before life got so busy and intertwined with your partner. What did you enjoy most? music, walks, writing, creative hobbies, even maybe spending time with friends that you lost touch with over the years, (social media can be really helpful for reconnecting with people). Sometimes it's hard to take steps to reconnect with things or people that we enjoy because we feel guilty about having fun when the person we love dies. In the case of divorce rather than guilt about enjoying ourselves, we may have become so immersed in the relationship we've lost that we just have no confidence / motivation to engage with the things we used to enjoy. Trust is a very difficult thing to get back when a relationship has broken down and that can affect relationships with our friends as well as with future potential partners.
Allow yourself to experiment, to say yes to new experiences, even if they feel unfamiliar and a little scary. Maybe try a night class to help pick up a hobby that you haven't engaged with for a while. That would also give you the opportunity to meet new people with similar interests. Maybe try volunteering, there are many local charities which are glad of additional help and again it can be a great way to make new friends as well as begin to feel valued again.
Most importantly, be patient with yourself as you grow into this new persona. You’re not “finding” your old self, you’re creating your new one. Grief and growth often share the same soil. From loss can come a deeper understanding of what truly matters and help to gradually build a stronger, truer version of you.